Midwestern Suburban Dad

Happy Earth Day, Comrade

Oh, boy. Earth Day - the High Holy Day of the soil-bound. Every airheaded tree hugger and environ-mental case out there is going to be pontificating, parading, spiking trees or committing arson. Spare me.

Wisconsin Senator Don Gaylord gave us this travesty in the midst of the country's dumbest time, the end of the '60s decade. Disco was just a dream, and the sexual revolution which has blessed us with AIDS, rampant divorce, single parenthood and a million abortions a year was still just a gleam in Gloria Steinem's eye. The looney left cooked up one more way to undermine America's traditional morality; the idea was to celebrate "The Earth" and make industry, Judeo-Christian morality and free-market economics look all bad and wrong.

How can this be? You mean it's not just a happy time to go out and plant a tree or something?

No. That's Arbor Day, which is perfectly fine for the sane set who actually likes forests for everything they offer, including sustainable lumber.

Earth Day has a secret. It's a secret which its founders probably thought too obscure for Middle America to notice, and so far they've been proven right. A secret that, if bravely publicized would make a lot of elementry school teachers look pretty damn stupid and pandering politicans blush deeply.

The secret is that there is another celebration held every year on April 22nd. Since 1989 it's not been done up like it was before, but in what was once known as The Soviet Union, and to varying extents in other countries, April 22nd was also celebrated as Lenin's Birthday. It was certainly a large holiday in the "Progressive" countries and movements around the world in 1970.

Yep - Earth Day is held on the birthday of the founder of modern Communism. Considering all the days that could have been chosen, I have a very hard time believeing it's mere coincidence. Why not April 21st or 23rd? Why not March 31st? Why not May 5th, the exact middle of spring? There are way too many other dates that could have been chosen.

No coincidence this. So, if you're out feeling Green today, whether you know it or not you're actually being very, very Red.

Na Stroviya, Tvaritch.

Your Name Is Alpo

From CNN:

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina (AP) -- An 8-year-old boy was mauled to death by his father's four pit bulls, and prosecutors were considering charges against the father ranging from child neglect to murder.

Roddie Philip Dumas Jr. was attacked in the fenced-in yard of his father's home Friday. Neighbors and a postal worker who heard the boy's screams rushed to the scene.

The boy's father, Roddie Philip Dumas Sr., 29, and his girlfriend, were inside the house but did not come outside until the dogs had already severely injured the boy, officials said.

"One had him on his neck. Two had him on the side. And one had him on the leg," said Edward Threatt, a neighbor. "They were pulling on him just like you do a rag doll."

A letter carrier threw his mailbag and then a wooden block at the dogs, which then ran away, Threatt said. But neighbors and police said the father then came outside and told the letter carrier to get off his property.

The boy was taken to a hospital, where he died.

After searching Dumas' home, police charged him with drug and firearms felonies.

Prosecutors were considering additional charges ranging from child neglect to murder, although a murder charge is rare in such cases. Police said they want to find out why the boy was unsupervised and whether the adults in the house heard him cry for help.

Dumas was in jail Saturday on a $233,000 bond. A message at the jail referred callers to a Web site and it was unclear whether Dumas had legal representation.

Animal control officers seized the four dogs. It was not clear whether the dogs have a history of violent behavior.

Roddie Philip Dumas Sr., you are lucky I'm not the judge you'll be facing. Were that the case, as soon as you were found guilty by a jury of fellow citizens in a fair court, you'd be dipped in au jus and thrown into a kennel of wild pit bulls. We'd pull you out when the screaming stopped.

Somebody is trying to save your son - your namesake - from your stupid dogs, and you come out and you order them off your property?

Y'know, without seeing a picture of Roddie Philip Dumas Sr. (whose name is missing a 'b' and an extra 's'), I'm guessing we have a 80% chance of either a greasy mullet or a skinhead cut, multiple tattoos, a body-mass ratio of about -8 and a matching IQ to boot. I'll give 20-1 against a high school diploma, and 100-1 against a college degree. Job? 50-50 at best, and nothing that's lasted more than a few months.

And meanwhile, good people are dying in Iraq. Maybe we could swap Mr. Dumbass for some of our hostages over there. Naah - the terrorists probably aren't that stupid. Too bad.

So Why Do I Keep Seeing Fois Gras on Chinet?

I found a reference to this on Foxnews.com.

As a past restaurateur, semi-trained chef and all-around gastronaut, the concepts of taking it slow at the table, using fresh, locally-grown product and exploring the plethora of different cooking techniques and seasonings available from all around the world have been soap-box fodder for many, many years.

Likewise, although I'll eat it if there's NOTHING else (or I've had a few too many MacEwans XXX Oatmeal Stouts), the thought of anything served in a paper wrapper or cardboard box brings a sneer of derision on most occasions.

Which is why, when I first saw this, I hoped against hope that I had finally found some kindred spirits, some fellow gastropods who simply wanted some great chow done right.

Why is nothing simple?

Turns out that, although they do seem sincere about the whole culinary thing, it's in an incestuous relationship with the anti-global, "all biogen is bad," Luddite mindset.

Here are some examples, good and bad:

Good (the opening sentences of the history section):

The founding father of the Slow Food Movement, Carlo Petrini, recognized in 1986 that the industrialization of food was standardizing taste and leading to the annihilation of thousands of food varieties and flavors. Concerned that the world was quickly reaching a point of no return, he wanted to reach out to consumers and demonstrate to them that they have choices over fast food and supermarket homogenization.

This is the stuff that dreams are made of. Though there are literally thousands of kinds of cheese, most supermarkets will carry a dozen, maybe 15 at most, different varieties. Have you ever heard of Himalayan Red Rice? GREAT stuff! Can you get it at your local Kroger? If so, count yourself incredibly fortunate, and the manager responsible will probably soon be fired or quit.

Even the so-called "specialty shops' like Trader Joe's or Wild Oats carry only a small slice of things not found at Meijer - just enough to keep them perceptably different. In reality, the exigencies of mass production and transportation have made real variety a thing of the past.

So, perhaps a collection of individuals dedicated to the rescusitation of the demand for new, different and wonderful culinary elements may change that. Maybe, just maybe, if the demand for variety and breadth of culinary ingredient could be expanded and enriched, economies of scale could be harnessed and "drive-thru" might just be made obsolete . . .

But no.

Here's the other side:

Our century, which began and has developed under the insignia of industrial civilization, first invented the machine and then took it as its life model.

We are enslaved by speed and have all succumbed to the same insidious virus: Fast Life, which disrupts our habits, pervades the privacy of our homes and forces us to eat Fast Foods.

To be worthy of the name, Homo Sapiens should rid himself of speed before it reduces him to a species in danger of extinction.

A firm defense of quiet material pleasure is the only way to oppose the universal folly of Fast Life.

May suitable doses of guaranteed sensual pleasure and slow, long-lasting enjoyment preserve us from the contagion of the multitude who mistake frenzy for efficiency.

What?

So-o-o-o it's not really a culinary society dedicated to enriching the quality and variety of meats, vegetables and grains available to use as it is an offshoot of Direct Action or The Red Brigades?

Maybe it just sounds that way since the founder is Italian - we may just be dealing with some, umm, creative translations here. There is hope. Kind of. In a way. Here - see for yourself:

ARTICLE 1.
Principles of Governance

1. We embrace diversity of opinion to enhance the democratic process and seek to effectively balance the powers of governance among those entities defined in this National Statute.

2. We believe that governance works best when trust exists among members. Thus, we strive to develop trust through all of our actions and to provide transparency in our governance.

3. We use respectful, clear, honest and robust dialogue to achieve consensus in making decisions. Consensus is defined as a mutually accepted group position or an agreement good enough for all members to move ahead. This means that there is no strong objection by any one or more group members and those who are not in full accord give their consent to the balance of the group. If consensus cannot be achieved or consent is not given, we will adopt majority rule through votes.

4. We recognize that people are imperfect beings. Therefore, we respect each other's imperfections by practicing compassion in our relationships.

OK. Diversity of opinion, transparency in governance, consesnus with an aversion to strong objection and the perception that hey, we're all human. Golly, Washington could use some of that.

I don't know. The whole thing sound pretty flakey, but then again, so's a good Wellington. So, we'll see.

Blue Money

I was just downstairs in the 1st Floor breakroom here at Megaplexcorp Inc. And, especially since I no longer spend my free time out in the smokers' lounge, I have noticed a disconnect - one that's both typical of a corporate-fabricated environment and frustrating in its simplicity (both of construct and solution).

In this break room is the ATM (and it's the only one in this 4.5-acres-of-floor building). Also located there (and again the only one) is the bill-changer.

DISCONNECT: The ATM dispenses tens. The bill changer makes coins for fives and ones. There is no bridge between the two, save for the stamp machine, which takes anything up to twenties, but gives change in government-imposed Sacajawea Golden Dollar coins, which exactly none of the vending machines in that or any other break room accept.

Thus, much like the International Space Station, a whole collection of non-integrative technology sits there and does nothing unless the operator has already brought everything he needs in the first place.

Now (begin dream-sequence music) imagine if I could re-design the currency . . . .

The penny would be made of zinc, un-clad and shiny silvery bright. It would be the size of a current dime and have that picture of Sacajawea on it, so that nobody could complain that I was being anti-Indian-Woman-On-A-Coin or something.

The nickel would be the size of a current penny, be made of nickel-zinc like it is now and would feature a likeness of Calvin Coolidge smoking a cigar. If you need to ask, you're part of the problem.

The dime would be the size of our current nickel. It would have a bas-relief of Ben Franklin. I don't know why. It just fits. And it would be slightly bluish in color. Again, I don't know why. It would just be a cool thing.

The quarter would be exactly as it is now, but instead of GW (he comes later), it's our buddy Abe Lincoln. Standing, in stovepipe hat with sheaf of papers in hand.

Then, an under-used coin goes away. The Half-dollar simply disappears. There's no good size and it's simply extraneous in the scheme.

Next (and this is the big one), the $1 bill also goes away, and the dollar coin - gold in color and the same size as it is now - reappears with the George Washington portrait that's on the bill.

There would be no $2 bill.

Paper money, other than the two lowest denominations, would remain unaffected.

And, since I'm powerful enough to completely overhaul the currency of the United States of America, I would also 'convince' all soft-drink, snack and other-product-dispensed-by-vending-machine companies to redesign their machines to accept dollar coins and pennies. And, I could then make a fortune by leasing change machines that gave ten $1 coins for the tens that the ATMs spit out

Genius!!

The boost to the economy by increrasing convenience and accessibility of thusly-sold items would more than offset the cost of the changeover (so to speak).

Of course, lots of idiots would be really confused. But this is actually a benefit, since then we'd know who they were and could ship them off to slave-labor camps where they would - logically - assemble ATMs and vending machines.

What a system!

Wrong And Just More Wrong

Both of these from The Indianapolis Star

Man Accused of Putting Nude Photos on Car

VILLA RICA, Ga. (AP) -- Authorities in Carroll County have arrested a Villa Rica man in connection with nude photos left on car windshields.

Villa Rica police arrested Kenneth James Stokes, 47, after a woman called police.

Investigators used surveillance tape from a Wal-Mart to see the suspect putting the pictures on at least two cars in the parking lot, police Capt. Brian Camp said. The Polaroid pictures show the suspect nude from the waist down, authorities said.

Police were able to identify Stokes because the surveillance tapes also showed him going into the Wal-Mart and buying an item with his credit card.

Police said Stokes told them he put the pictures on the cars because he wanted to see the women's reactions.

Stokes was charged with distributing obscene material and released on bond.

Afterward, another woman called police and said someone had placed a nude picture on her car while she was inside a McDonald's restaurant. Stokes was expected to turn himself in Friday on charges that he also put that picture on the car, authorities said.

Police say they believe the suspect may have put pictures on other cars and ask any other victims to contact them.

Copyright 2004 Associated Press. All rights reserved.

Question: Why would anybody put naked pictures of THEMSELVES on anything public at all? It's one thing to be paid to have naked pictures of yourself published by somebody else where folks can see them who wish to do so - that's a whole different matter. But how stupid do you have to be to randomly put naked pictures OF YOURSELF - HELLO out there, hoping to shock people WHO DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR WING-WANG??? What, nobody's going to notice YOUR FACE??!??

Item #2:

Gun Hidden in Stove Shoots Texas Woman

SAN ANTONIO (AP) -- A woman was shot in the hip Friday morning while cooking a meal after the heat of the oven discharged a .357 revolver that she didn't know was hidden inside.

Roxanne Perez, 29, was in good condition at Wilford Hall Medical Center.

An acquaintance stored the gun for safekeeping in the bottom drawer of Perez's oven about two weeks ago, then "completely forgot about it" according to a police report.

Perez, who said had no idea a gun was in the oven, said she heard several shots then felt a sharp pain in her left hip.

Police have ruled the shooting an accident, and said they do not expect to file criminal charges. [Emphasis added]

Copyright 2004 Associated Press. All rights reserved.

OK. Look, I'm as 2nd Amendment as the next guy - probably moreso. When I can afford it I belong to the NRA, and I own 3 weapons that I purchased at gun shows.

But if you're going to be stupid enough to hide a firearm in somebody else's house and not tell them, you're irresponsible enough to be considered criminal. AND, if you hide it IN A FREAKING STOVE (WHICH GETS HOT ENOUGH TO CAUSE BULLETS TO GO OFF - WHATWHATWHATWHAT????), then you are a positive danger to the community. In this instance the idiocy panned out, somebody else was hurt and coulda been killed.

The right to bear arms is 25% of the concept. The other 75% is the responsiblity of storing them correctly, training oneself to use them correctly and accurately and in general not being an incredible asshole with guns.

Bozo here LOSES. In my book, that's felony assault. 10 years in the Graybar Hotel, for being stupid enough to nearly kill somebody by neglect.

Too bad Naked Guy's in Georgia and Stupid Gun Guy's in Texas. They'd make real cozy cellmates.

Why We'll Make It.

These guys are usually hysterical, even if every so often they're a little pro-"stuff-I'm-against." Then again, who isn't?

Anyway, I was recently reminded of this.

If you can read it and not cry while you're laughing, you should blow your brains out immediately, as you are hopelessly sociopathic.

Evidently, it was nominated for a Pulitzer. It didn't win. Shame.

Never Ever Send Your Kids Here

From Foxnews.com:

University Says Blood Drive Biased Against Gays

The operative quote:

"There may be less blood in the blood supply, or we can continue to have a world full of hate and discrimination," said Shauna Bates, student senator at WOU.

Miss Bates, if you or a loved one is on an ER table, and cannot have the necessary process performed because the blood supply is suspect or exhausted, then you can go to your grave knowing that the resultant death was not in vain, and that many, many gay men who would otherwise have been unfulfilled because they could not donate blood were in fact happier and validated.

If your family is as smart as you are, I'd call it an even trade. But leave mine out of it.

Rich & Beautiful People Make Me Hurl

From The NY Post via Foxnews.com:

Carolyn Bessette cheated on new hubby JFK Jr. with "Baywatch" star Michael Bergin, the ex-flame claims in a bombshell new book. Bergin, also a top Calvin Klein underwear model, says Bessette told him she was convinced Kennedy was having his own torrid extramarital affair.

And hordes of empty people will stream out, buy the book, ooh, aah, gasp and get all pissed of while this guy rakes in more loot. There's something inherently wrong here . . . oh, yeah - the world is basically evil and guys like him will burn in Hell for eternity after they die. That's it.

Ayway, here's the whole thing, if you've the stomach for it.

If not, then simply consider the close:

Weeping before the A&E cameras, Bergin recalled how he lovingly paid one final tribute to his lover.

Taking his cue from an ancient Hawaiian custom, Bergin said, he borrowed a friend's surfboard and paddled out into the ocean at sunset to drop the fragrant petals of a lei in the dark waters.

Surfboard.

Sheesh.

Use The Language Webster Gave Us, Please

There are some otherwise smart people who continue to use the horrible, horrible word "incentivize." Why? Why must this bastardization be employed, especially by folks who support Libertarian ideas and Jeffersonian ideals? It's so . . . Leftist.

Fortunately, other smart people have come to the rescue:

The American Heritage® Book of English Usage.
A Practical and Authoritative Guide to Contemporary English. 1996.

3. Word Choice: New Uses, Common Confusion, and Constraints

§ 170. incentivize / incent
Corporate executives, car dealers, and politicians often cite the need to incentivize people to act in certain ways. They may want salespeople to work harder, customers to be more eager to spend, or businesses to take more risks. Incentivize has been motivating people since the mid-1970s—the more informal incent came along about 10 years later. Both words mean the same thing, “to give an incentive to” or “provide a motivation for.” Usually the incentive is in the form of a material reward—a bonus, rebate, or tax break. But although these two verbs are popular with business leaders, they curry little favor with the Usage Panel, which sees them as trendy jargon. Ninety-four percent of the panel rejects incentivize in the sentence He’s the leader of this organization, and he’s got to have the whole team of people incentivized to improve shareholder value. Ninety-six percent reject incent in The management incented the employees to improve the shareholder value of the company. Panelists suggest motivate, encourage, and give incentives to as alternatives.

If ANYBODY wants my support, effort, vote or money, they will never, ever, ever try to "incentivize" me. Motivate, encourage or otherwise persuade, cajole or even threaten me, but NEVER "incentivize". Period.

Sometimes Stereotypes Really Do Fit

From Foxnews.com:

Cheerleader's Mom Ordered to Take Anger-Management Classes

BENTONVILLE, Ark. (AP) — A judge ordered the mother of a junior high school cheerleader into anger-management classes after the woman admitted that she harassed the sponsor of the cheerleading team.

Melissa Leach, 33, was also fined $500 and given a suspended 30-day jail sentence for pushing and shouting at Lincoln Junior High cheerleading coach Helen Campbell last August.

Campbell had disciplined Leach's daughter for skipping practices.

Leach, who pleaded guilty in Bentonville District Court on Tuesday, must attend the classes and perform some public service.

Let's see . . . . 33, with a daughter in Junior High. The daughter has to be at least 12, and in rural Arkansas, 14 would not be out of the question. Meaning Mom got that way before the age of 20 in all likelihood.

And she's pissed because the coach disciplined her daughter for missing practice.

No clever epithet here - Mom's stupid as a bag of hammers, and hopefully young Heather or Shalinda or whoever doesn't have any siblings. Especially male ones.