Midwestern Suburban Dad

Blue Money

I was just downstairs in the 1st Floor breakroom here at Megaplexcorp Inc. And, especially since I no longer spend my free time out in the smokers' lounge, I have noticed a disconnect - one that's both typical of a corporate-fabricated environment and frustrating in its simplicity (both of construct and solution).

In this break room is the ATM (and it's the only one in this 4.5-acres-of-floor building). Also located there (and again the only one) is the bill-changer.

DISCONNECT: The ATM dispenses tens. The bill changer makes coins for fives and ones. There is no bridge between the two, save for the stamp machine, which takes anything up to twenties, but gives change in government-imposed Sacajawea Golden Dollar coins, which exactly none of the vending machines in that or any other break room accept.

Thus, much like the International Space Station, a whole collection of non-integrative technology sits there and does nothing unless the operator has already brought everything he needs in the first place.

Now (begin dream-sequence music) imagine if I could re-design the currency . . . .

The penny would be made of zinc, un-clad and shiny silvery bright. It would be the size of a current dime and have that picture of Sacajawea on it, so that nobody could complain that I was being anti-Indian-Woman-On-A-Coin or something.

The nickel would be the size of a current penny, be made of nickel-zinc like it is now and would feature a likeness of Calvin Coolidge smoking a cigar. If you need to ask, you're part of the problem.

The dime would be the size of our current nickel. It would have a bas-relief of Ben Franklin. I don't know why. It just fits. And it would be slightly bluish in color. Again, I don't know why. It would just be a cool thing.

The quarter would be exactly as it is now, but instead of GW (he comes later), it's our buddy Abe Lincoln. Standing, in stovepipe hat with sheaf of papers in hand.

Then, an under-used coin goes away. The Half-dollar simply disappears. There's no good size and it's simply extraneous in the scheme.

Next (and this is the big one), the $1 bill also goes away, and the dollar coin - gold in color and the same size as it is now - reappears with the George Washington portrait that's on the bill.

There would be no $2 bill.

Paper money, other than the two lowest denominations, would remain unaffected.

And, since I'm powerful enough to completely overhaul the currency of the United States of America, I would also 'convince' all soft-drink, snack and other-product-dispensed-by-vending-machine companies to redesign their machines to accept dollar coins and pennies. And, I could then make a fortune by leasing change machines that gave ten $1 coins for the tens that the ATMs spit out

Genius!!

The boost to the economy by increrasing convenience and accessibility of thusly-sold items would more than offset the cost of the changeover (so to speak).

Of course, lots of idiots would be really confused. But this is actually a benefit, since then we'd know who they were and could ship them off to slave-labor camps where they would - logically - assemble ATMs and vending machines.

What a system!

Wrong And Just More Wrong

Both of these from The Indianapolis Star

Man Accused of Putting Nude Photos on Car

VILLA RICA, Ga. (AP) -- Authorities in Carroll County have arrested a Villa Rica man in connection with nude photos left on car windshields.

Villa Rica police arrested Kenneth James Stokes, 47, after a woman called police.

Investigators used surveillance tape from a Wal-Mart to see the suspect putting the pictures on at least two cars in the parking lot, police Capt. Brian Camp said. The Polaroid pictures show the suspect nude from the waist down, authorities said.

Police were able to identify Stokes because the surveillance tapes also showed him going into the Wal-Mart and buying an item with his credit card.

Police said Stokes told them he put the pictures on the cars because he wanted to see the women's reactions.

Stokes was charged with distributing obscene material and released on bond.

Afterward, another woman called police and said someone had placed a nude picture on her car while she was inside a McDonald's restaurant. Stokes was expected to turn himself in Friday on charges that he also put that picture on the car, authorities said.

Police say they believe the suspect may have put pictures on other cars and ask any other victims to contact them.

Copyright 2004 Associated Press. All rights reserved.

Question: Why would anybody put naked pictures of THEMSELVES on anything public at all? It's one thing to be paid to have naked pictures of yourself published by somebody else where folks can see them who wish to do so - that's a whole different matter. But how stupid do you have to be to randomly put naked pictures OF YOURSELF - HELLO out there, hoping to shock people WHO DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR WING-WANG??? What, nobody's going to notice YOUR FACE??!??

Item #2:

Gun Hidden in Stove Shoots Texas Woman

SAN ANTONIO (AP) -- A woman was shot in the hip Friday morning while cooking a meal after the heat of the oven discharged a .357 revolver that she didn't know was hidden inside.

Roxanne Perez, 29, was in good condition at Wilford Hall Medical Center.

An acquaintance stored the gun for safekeeping in the bottom drawer of Perez's oven about two weeks ago, then "completely forgot about it" according to a police report.

Perez, who said had no idea a gun was in the oven, said she heard several shots then felt a sharp pain in her left hip.

Police have ruled the shooting an accident, and said they do not expect to file criminal charges. [Emphasis added]

Copyright 2004 Associated Press. All rights reserved.

OK. Look, I'm as 2nd Amendment as the next guy - probably moreso. When I can afford it I belong to the NRA, and I own 3 weapons that I purchased at gun shows.

But if you're going to be stupid enough to hide a firearm in somebody else's house and not tell them, you're irresponsible enough to be considered criminal. AND, if you hide it IN A FREAKING STOVE (WHICH GETS HOT ENOUGH TO CAUSE BULLETS TO GO OFF - WHATWHATWHATWHAT????), then you are a positive danger to the community. In this instance the idiocy panned out, somebody else was hurt and coulda been killed.

The right to bear arms is 25% of the concept. The other 75% is the responsiblity of storing them correctly, training oneself to use them correctly and accurately and in general not being an incredible asshole with guns.

Bozo here LOSES. In my book, that's felony assault. 10 years in the Graybar Hotel, for being stupid enough to nearly kill somebody by neglect.

Too bad Naked Guy's in Georgia and Stupid Gun Guy's in Texas. They'd make real cozy cellmates.

Why We'll Make It.

These guys are usually hysterical, even if every so often they're a little pro-"stuff-I'm-against." Then again, who isn't?

Anyway, I was recently reminded of this.

If you can read it and not cry while you're laughing, you should blow your brains out immediately, as you are hopelessly sociopathic.

Evidently, it was nominated for a Pulitzer. It didn't win. Shame.

Never Ever Send Your Kids Here

From Foxnews.com:

University Says Blood Drive Biased Against Gays

The operative quote:

"There may be less blood in the blood supply, or we can continue to have a world full of hate and discrimination," said Shauna Bates, student senator at WOU.

Miss Bates, if you or a loved one is on an ER table, and cannot have the necessary process performed because the blood supply is suspect or exhausted, then you can go to your grave knowing that the resultant death was not in vain, and that many, many gay men who would otherwise have been unfulfilled because they could not donate blood were in fact happier and validated.

If your family is as smart as you are, I'd call it an even trade. But leave mine out of it.

Rich & Beautiful People Make Me Hurl

From The NY Post via Foxnews.com:

Carolyn Bessette cheated on new hubby JFK Jr. with "Baywatch" star Michael Bergin, the ex-flame claims in a bombshell new book. Bergin, also a top Calvin Klein underwear model, says Bessette told him she was convinced Kennedy was having his own torrid extramarital affair.

And hordes of empty people will stream out, buy the book, ooh, aah, gasp and get all pissed of while this guy rakes in more loot. There's something inherently wrong here . . . oh, yeah - the world is basically evil and guys like him will burn in Hell for eternity after they die. That's it.

Ayway, here's the whole thing, if you've the stomach for it.

If not, then simply consider the close:

Weeping before the A&E cameras, Bergin recalled how he lovingly paid one final tribute to his lover.

Taking his cue from an ancient Hawaiian custom, Bergin said, he borrowed a friend's surfboard and paddled out into the ocean at sunset to drop the fragrant petals of a lei in the dark waters.

Surfboard.

Sheesh.

Use The Language Webster Gave Us, Please

There are some otherwise smart people who continue to use the horrible, horrible word "incentivize." Why? Why must this bastardization be employed, especially by folks who support Libertarian ideas and Jeffersonian ideals? It's so . . . Leftist.

Fortunately, other smart people have come to the rescue:

The American Heritage® Book of English Usage.
A Practical and Authoritative Guide to Contemporary English. 1996.

3. Word Choice: New Uses, Common Confusion, and Constraints

§ 170. incentivize / incent
Corporate executives, car dealers, and politicians often cite the need to incentivize people to act in certain ways. They may want salespeople to work harder, customers to be more eager to spend, or businesses to take more risks. Incentivize has been motivating people since the mid-1970s—the more informal incent came along about 10 years later. Both words mean the same thing, “to give an incentive to” or “provide a motivation for.” Usually the incentive is in the form of a material reward—a bonus, rebate, or tax break. But although these two verbs are popular with business leaders, they curry little favor with the Usage Panel, which sees them as trendy jargon. Ninety-four percent of the panel rejects incentivize in the sentence He’s the leader of this organization, and he’s got to have the whole team of people incentivized to improve shareholder value. Ninety-six percent reject incent in The management incented the employees to improve the shareholder value of the company. Panelists suggest motivate, encourage, and give incentives to as alternatives.

If ANYBODY wants my support, effort, vote or money, they will never, ever, ever try to "incentivize" me. Motivate, encourage or otherwise persuade, cajole or even threaten me, but NEVER "incentivize". Period.

Sometimes Stereotypes Really Do Fit

From Foxnews.com:

Cheerleader's Mom Ordered to Take Anger-Management Classes

BENTONVILLE, Ark. (AP) — A judge ordered the mother of a junior high school cheerleader into anger-management classes after the woman admitted that she harassed the sponsor of the cheerleading team.

Melissa Leach, 33, was also fined $500 and given a suspended 30-day jail sentence for pushing and shouting at Lincoln Junior High cheerleading coach Helen Campbell last August.

Campbell had disciplined Leach's daughter for skipping practices.

Leach, who pleaded guilty in Bentonville District Court on Tuesday, must attend the classes and perform some public service.

Let's see . . . . 33, with a daughter in Junior High. The daughter has to be at least 12, and in rural Arkansas, 14 would not be out of the question. Meaning Mom got that way before the age of 20 in all likelihood.

And she's pissed because the coach disciplined her daughter for missing practice.

No clever epithet here - Mom's stupid as a bag of hammers, and hopefully young Heather or Shalinda or whoever doesn't have any siblings. Especially male ones.

Please. I Want You To.

PETA's at it again.

I really, really hope they do this at a store near me. Then we'll get to see how fake animal blood and real human blood shape up in a sample-to-sample comparison.

One of the purposes of The Marketplace of Ideas (as safeguarded by the 1st Amendment), just like any other marketplace, is to see which ones work and which don't. F'rinstance, nobody sells whale-bone corsets anymore.

PETA, being comprised of Socialists and other psychopaths, doesn't recognize market forces. As such, its members need to be pummelled into the obsolesence they seem to be incapable of acknowledging.

Hand me a bucket of stupid, PETA-puke, and I'll hand you back a carton of real hurt.

And A Pinch Of Flin Flon Red, Please

There are lots of issues swirling about the debate over legalizing marijuana, medical or otherwise. They will not be discussed here.

Rather, I want to know whether the town or the function arrived first.

Currently, there are 78 medical users in Canada permitted to buy government marijuana, which is grown in Flin Flon, Manitoba. An ounce sells for about $113, and the marijuana is sent by courier to patients or their doctors.

I really am having a hard time deciding.

Is There A Degree For This?

For the chronically bored, a new career path.

My favorite part:

A penny surfaces, then a nickel, then a dime. Encouraged, he continues digging and a pile forms at his feet: Five dimes, three nickels and 57 pennies. A total of $1.22.

"OK," DeLazier says, "how long did that take? A minute? Now multiply that by 60 minutes. Imagine if I did this on a full-time basis. I bet I could make $20,000 a year."

Whoa. Hold me back.